As I woke this morning, I felt a bit out of place and distasteful. I kept hearing the word “complacency” in my head over and over. Took a shower, dressed up, and sat down, turned on worship music and began to unwind.
I just sat there, for a good 20 mins, saying nothing. Not desiring to pray, but to listen. To wait patiently for guidance, for a word, for something at least.
Then I looked up Psalm 42… and the word “complacency” made sense…
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As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?
My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you
I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.
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To me, I feel like the writer of this Psalm is talking about how “the good ol’ days” were so good. To be with his friends, other believers, worshiping, praising, dancing for and with God. All of a sudden, in his abandonment of his past, he realizes that he is discouraged, finds the desire to even draw nearer that he once was, his heart is BREAKING because of what his memories once were.
After reading this, I feel like that I fall back into complacency when I remember the days when I was in Herrnhut. It causes me to not want to do as much. To have hope that the day will come when I come back and everything will be better. But I want things to be amazing where I’m at; in the here and now.
I have written so many blogs about this topic; missing where I once was and the challenge of where I am now.
It’s quite the fight. It tears me down, but God always finds a way to build me up. As this author found comfort in the Lord during his discouraging time, as so I will find comfort in my “up and down days” in the Lord.
I have to hold on to what is true daily; The Lord WILL pour His unfailing love upon me daily, He is my LIVING water, He is the one who gives me life day to day.
With those truths, where should discouragement come in my life?
I kept a journal for one year while I was traveling in Europe and Africa. Here is an entry from when I was in Ethiopia… I hope you find the significance in this entry.
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22.1.2009
I awoke this morning in a very sharp state and full of rest. Around 6am, God, You shook my bones to awake me to tell me you have visions and plans for me. As I sit in my bed, you pour into me directly what you want me to do in the future with the people I’m meeting here in Africa. I immediately answer your call and step outside to intercede on these plans and visions. I’ll do my best to be accurate in writing what you have told me this morning…
You want me to go back to Wichita to do a conference/art show about the awareness of extreme poverty and share the stories of who I’ve met here.
I saw a warehouse or a venue with lights shining down on the photos of the people in Africa. Aaron Lee Martin is playing Blessed Irony as the theme music for this event.
I ask why you want all of these things to happen and you respond back that you are wanting to set Wichita ablaze. With passion, with hope, with light, with change. You want to give people back their hope to really accomplish their dreams through this art show
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Since Jan 22 I have been praying for this art show to finally happen, and finally, it’s coming to life.
Just thought I’d share the significance of this story. :-)
Praise God!
As I’m still journaling my thoughts and notes when I read the Bible, I wanted to conclude what I felt was my “themed verse” for the time that I am in Wichita, KS.
I love how God always tend to set a theme He wants me to understand and live out in different seasons of my life.
When I was on outreach in Ethiopia and Kenya in Jan-Mar of this year, my themed verse was Isaiah 58 : 10-11.
It was phenomenal how true that verse was pertaining to the experiences I was living. I still hold on to that verse as I am planning for my art show at the end of this month, and doing missionary booths at churches and even personally to myself. When I look at my own photos, I think of what it says in Isaiah 58 : 10-11 and really encourage myself to keep living that out.
In this time at being in Wichita, My verse that tends to really strike my heart more than ever is Psalm 37 : 4-7
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
7 Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.
There are 4 specific actions that stick out to me in these 4 verses.
David specifically writes : Take delight, Trust him, Commit everything, and Be still.
As I am in a completely different world from what I’m used to in the past year, these verses really hit home for me.
While I’m here, there are 4 specific actions that God truly wants me to take hold of and live it out in confidence.
Take delight in the Lord while I’m in Wichita. Enjoy my free time with friends and family that I wouldn’t get to do anywhere else. See movies, concerts, road trips, sleep overs, late night at cafe’s, have art shows, etc etc.
Trust Him for everything I need. Trusting Him for supplying my spiritual needs, emotional and physical in this time away from what I’m used to in Herrnhut. Trusting Him in my finances for the art show. Trusting that my friendships anywhere else in the world will not be effected in this time, but will grow in confidence. Trusting that everything that is supposed to happen here in Wichita WILL happen by His grace and mercy… and timing.
Commit everything to Him. My work, my friends, my art shows, my words, steps and actions - commit to Him. Do not do one thing apart from Him, but involve Him in what I do here. It’s a lifestyle.
Be still and wait for Him. Make sure to have a healthy balance while I’m at home. Of course, take delight in doing that things that you want to do, but in all of this, I need to have my “quiet time” daily with Him to reconnect with my Father intimately where I couldn’t anywhere else during that day. Wait for His words and whispers to reach my ears and do nothing for an hour or a few hours daily to just wait on Him.
Now, time to dig deeper into this “themed verse” and see what there is more to grab hold of.
Today I received an email from a friend of mine in YWAM in Herrnhut, Germany. If you don’t know, Herrnhut, Germany is the perfect place for me to live. It is honestly my dream town to reside in and live for my days. I feel more at home there than I do in Wichita honestly. It’s like a secret hide out, a cave for me to dwell and thrive in with life. I became alive spiritually in Herrnhut and that is why it is such a secret place for me.
As reading the email sent by my friend, he was talking about the current DTS that is running at this time. Sharing what the 1st speaker was talking about - injustice, fighting with the “poorest of the poor” in this world, etc. Reading what personal experience he went through, what the class was challenged by and just the description of the setting was what I am longing for so much in this time that I’m at home.
I began to cry as I was reading this email. Knowing that what I desire most is going on across the world. I was crying out of joy and out of simply missing those times. My heart is to see people succeed in their life dreams and goals that God has for them. I love walking alongside people and encouraging them, seeing them grow, experience life in dramatic ways, and watching them find their own vision that God has for them.
As I read this email, I was just reminded of what a crucial time DTS truly is, no matter what age you are, it is so dramatically challenging.
A few minutes after reading, I simply though - I am not in the wrong place at the wrong time. God sent me to Wichita in this time for a purpose. Not by accident. I have to stand in agreement with that. Not that I really have to, but I desire to. I desire to agree with God’s plans for my life and say “yes” to my father. Even though I desire to be in Herrnhut and be a part of the current DTS, I desire even more to follow God’s plans for my life and die a thousand deaths a day if that has to happen for me to live in His will.
It is so hard, but it is so well worth it.
I just wanted to write this to share what I am currently going through in this time at being in Wichita apart from Herrnhut.
Let us fall more in love with you.
