Travels of Taylor Pool

Worth It All

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 15:40:04 -0600

If you guys have read my past blog posts, God is really teaching me about friendship, love, trust, commitments and what it is to allow people to invest in you.

Honestly, I am absolutely broken right now.

I am being taught what it is to allow people to invest in you as a person, as a friend. It is one of the hardest times in my life right now. To understand what it is to balance time, love and life with relationships. How to be open to pour into others, but to be open for others to truly pour into me.

I am so used to the mindset that “people will leave me in 6 months or a year, so why should I allow them to pour into me, I just want to pour into them.”

I have caused myself great damage, great hurt and pain from thinking like that the past year of my life. Living in YWAM it makes it difficult for you to allow friendships to grow intimately and deeply knowing that you might see them for only 3 months, 6 months or even 2 weeks.

I remember back when I was a kid how I was always let down by people in my life. How I always felt I never had a best friend to play dinosaurs with, to watch ninja movies or even when I was older to simply talk to someone and someone understands. It is such a lonely, painful feeling. Growing up in that area, I have now allowed it to overlap in this time of my life and I’m ready for change.

I don’t want to run away from what God has for me in my life.

I don’t know what that is right now, but I know that He is working in me with going deep and intimate, allowing others to speak into my life, giving respect to others, letting others love me.

Let’s be honest, I am really good at developing friendships. I am really comfortable in getting to know someone in 5 mins and sharing anything and everything if it needs to happen. I am SO FASCINATED by people. With those truths, I love getting to know someone quick and fast and being open to share whenever.

God is not telling me to stop, but He is telling me to allow for others to do that with me. How I don’t always have to be the one who pours into someone, but I need someone to pour into me. Not only one person, but multiple people.

Today I had a skype date with 2 people, and I wasn’t able to make it. It was totally my fault in that area and I had let them down. It wasn’t even me to set up this date, but it was on their behalf to want to communicate. I was so pumped to talk to these 2 awesome men in my life but when I realized that I was irresponsible and careless with my time, I lost it. It was hard to forgive myself and to not feel shameful for doing that. I have never felt like that before, but since what God is teaching me, THESE MOMENTS ARE SO CRUCIAL FOR ME. To build upon the relationships I have now and to allow them to invest in me.

God is really making me so much more sensitive to relationships. What it means to keep your word, how every little thing counts. It either turns you a little away from them, or a little closer to them. And with what I’m going through, I felt it was a step away from them.

Time is something you cannot take back, ever. Showing someone true love is giving them your time. Why? Because you can’t take that single aspect back from your life, their life, or anyone’s life.

I haven’t been this emotional in my life these past few weeks, and it’s intense. But it’s so worth the pain, suffering and tears that I go through.

I want to be able to be comfortable in allowing people dig deeper into me. I want to be comfortable in having best friends in Herrnhut Germany. I want to be comfortable in pouring into someone and never seeing them again in my entire life.

I’m so tired of always having short term friendships, but that’s life. You meet people for a season and then they are off to do something to complete their life. It’s totally normal. But I want to be ok with that happening and me not being afraid of how they will impact me and how I will impact them.

I really don’t know what else to say right now. But I don’t want to have fear to live life to the fullest and what God has for me.

God, I am so open for you to work in me. I know it’s going to be painful, it’s going to hurt, but I know You are so worth anything and everything I could ever go through. I want to learn the lesson of friendships. Knowing that I will never be perfect in it, but I want to be disciplined and challenged so much in my character to become a better man.

It’s gonna be worth it, it’s gonna be worth it all.

30 Day Challenge

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 03:51:46 -0600

Hey Friends,

I have decided to do the 30 Day challenge, and I’m on day 3 right now.

If you don’t know what the 30 Day challenge is, please read below or go to

www.pickapocket.showitsite.com

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Not paying for your own food but relying on others, and to talk to people about what we are doing it for: to stop extreme poverty. We cant raise enough awareness without people who are willing to rise to the challenge and tell others to do the same. With the money that you would have spent on food in the 30 day period, you send to us. We will then use it for funding the different projects that will help our cause to end extreme poverty.

30 Days allows people to not only sympathize, but also empathize, with the poor and feel how they feel. The premise is that for 30 days, you do not pay for your own food, but rather depend on others to support you for your meals. In this time you are not only giving the money that you would use on yourself and putting it into someone else’s individual pocket, but you are also experiencing what it means to feel hungry and depend on other people for food.

During this 30 Days time period, we are pulling out our pockets symbolizing the challenge we are taking a part of. On there pockets the text; 30 Days will be printed on it. While doing this people are actually advertising the movement and allowing the people who come in contact with them to be aware of the challenge they are doing. We hope that one day pockets out will no longer be a sign for poverty but a sign for the 30 Day challenge.

Most people will get to the end of the first week and realize how difficult this is. This is our point; this lifestyle is way too hard. We do not want to just pull out a dollar and give, but to also experience a taste of how the people live. We want people to realize that it is not poverty that we are fighting against, but its people we are fighting for.

We are a group of young artists who also relay on others to support us in what we are doing and can identify occasionally with not knowing where our next meal will come from. All the profits we make off of our photos, art or music goes right back into this project because we believe in it and we want to see extreme poverty come to an end.

The Fear of Something Endless

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 04:25:00 -0600

As I arrived in Herrnhut, Germany I felt an uncomfortable tension unpacking my bags. This place once felt like home, once was comfortable, once was familiar. I sensed God had something to teach me even the first day as I arrived in Herrnhut. Throughout the first week, a lot was happening with me emotionally. I didn’t feel that I fit in so well anymore, people have moved on, friends have left, and what once felt like family faded away too quickly.

As I was having meetings with the art group I am a part of, Pick A Pocket, I began to realize a lot about how I felt with this group and these people. How I didn’t want to be a part of this group anymore, I’d rather do something else than heal others through art (which is such a crazy thought for me).

In the past few days God has been working on me so much about my fear of commitments. If I do not see how a situation is going to end, I do not want to be a part of it. I once could not stand to be in Pick A Pocket, because it is a dedication to a cause and a ministry til death, or til God decides you are finished serving them. Without seeing the result in our works as Pick A Pocket, I needed to leave. I needed to express my frustration, the tension I felt in my spirit and heart. It even led to me not even liking who I once called friends.

I have never been like this in my life… and I was scaring myself, to be honest.

One night a friend of mine spoke truthfully and harshly into my life. I needed to change my thinking. I needed to be challenged with my life and how I perceive things. I needed to come into agreement that it is ok to be stretched and to work on something if you can’t even see the end of it.

How can I live life to the fullest if I do not trust God in guiding me, showing me, and teaching me how to live life.

I’m sure the root of this horrific fear results in how I lived my teenage life. I always moved every 3 years, I began to not expect to be “best friends” with anyone nor anyone to call me theirs. Knowing that I will move soon built a wall between me and others. I desired so bad to be someones best friend and to have one, but in searching for that, I never truly found one. I have learned that “it just has to happen and come on it’s own timing.” You cannot make a friendship that is like that. It has to be from God, and it is only from God.

I have feared that I have missed out on a lot of relationships, intimately and friendship-wise, because I have tried to create something that humans cannot create, or because I have been too scared to trust someone that deep within my heart.

Trust is such a huge thing for me. It is absolutely so hard for me to think of marriage. How can someone trust me that deep?

I have the fear that someone will depend on me too much for their needs, and of course, since I’m human, I’ll always fail them. And that is what is scary about marriage to me. Trusting someone too much to the point where nothing can satisfy you. This is where God comes into the picture… and this is what God is teaching me about trust, fear and commitments.

So, these last 2 weeks have been so hard for me. To make commitments in Pick A Pocket that I cannot see the end of, to be open for God to work on my character about not making friends with everyone, but allow some friendships to go deeper than I’ve experienced.

God, I’m open for you and what you have to do with me. My trust in you is not what it should be, but yet, I want to learn and be challenged. So please, do challenge me. I know you are with me all the way, through challenges and times when no one can satisfy me. With that truth, I am satisfied. For you are always here.

Thus From My Lips Comes Praise

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:57:00 -0600

Today I reread Psalm 37. Knowing that this chapter is my “theme” from the 2 months I came home, I wanted to read it again since the end of my 2 months is tomorrow.

I love reflecting. Reflecting on how you have grown, how God has put you certain seasons in a specific time for you to learn something so valuable. In this season being at home alone, was such a tough and complicated season for me. But I am completely, 110% confident that I have gained exactly what God was wanting to teach me.

In this time, He was trying to show me how it is to live with Him alone. How you have to make initiative to worship, pray, give, encourage, love, etc etc. Living in a YWAM community, those things come natural daily. But when you are alone in your own apartment for a period of time, you have to create that atmosphere yourself. Any missionary can relate the feeling what it is to “be a missionary” on the field, then come home and take time off. It is so hard and challenging. But it is so necessary, healthy and character/faith building for us to experience that.

So, as I was rereading Psalm 37, I was simply just looking to see if I feel confident on what God has placed on my heart earlier in this season.

The main verses for me are 3 - 7.

How David writes to commit everything to the Lord, delight in Him, trust in Him and be patient and silent before Him.

That has a whole new meaning now after being in this season.

But, as I kept on reading, this verse popped out vibrantly.

Psalm 37 : 30-31

“The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip.”

For some reason, this just hit my heart and soul like a ton of bricks.

I simply sat back in my couch, stretched out my arms, opened my mouth and just felt the presence of God come.

Hearing the worship music in front of me, just in awe of how hard I was hit by these 2 simple verses. The Spirit was really stirring me up and wanted to plant something in me from this.

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If we do not have wisdom in life, why live?

I realize more and more daily that as a Christian, it is prominent for us to have wisdom. We need to desire wisdom, daily. Seek for wisdom, not just search, but seek with everything we are. Without wisdom how could we talk and share with others? How could we have a relationship with others? Solomon writes a whole chapter in the book of Proverbs about wisdom.

Proverbs 2 : 2 & 4

Tune your ears to wisdom and concentrate on understanding.

Search for wisdom and understanding as you would for silver; SEEK THEM like hidden treasures.

It just hit me as I typed that last line… But what did God create first in the entire universe? What was from the beginning before anything else?

Some may say “light”, but that is wrong.

God created wisdom before anything else was created.

Proverbs 3:19

“By wisdom the Lord founded the earth; by understanding he created the heavens.”

He needed wisdom to create the world, science, love, animals, relationships, light, and us.

That was the first and foremost important aspect before He started his 6 day work of creating the universe.

Wisdom is so key to our relationship with God. I desire for God to plant the seed of Wisdom in me daily and help it grow. There is nothing that I can do to make wisdom come to me. I simply have to be open for God to work on it in my life. I cannot gain any wisdom without going to God first. And without going to God first in my life in this 2 month season of being home, I would have never gained the wisdom I have now about gaining wisdom and being with God fully.

Wow, praise God for this revelation and for this wisdom.

Amen.

The Dreaming of Days

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:12:20 -0600

The Dreaming of Days

The Judgment, The Slaughter, The Exiled.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 11:54:22 -0600

Here are some verses from Ezekiel that I want to press on and dig deeper into. I feel like these verses will stretch our knowledge of who God is and question some “truths” that we were raised by. Look them up for yourself and form your own opinion. I am simply explaining my opinion and what I felt like God is teaching me about them. I might abrubtly end on some topics because, I simply do not know how to end sometimes. These are just my thoughts scattered, but not organized on a nice and neat blog.

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Quick history lesson on Ezekiel :

The book of Ezekiel is his story of how God used him to bring judgment on Jerusalem, Judah and all of Israel. It is a narrative of God speaking to Ezekiel, telling him what to say to the people of this nation, calling them out for their sins, for how they live and how they don’t care about the lives of others or a life with God. How God called the people of Israel, of Jerusalem His own at one point, but now they’ve turned his back on Him. God is now using Ezekiel to be a messenger and a watchmen for all of Israel.

Ezekiel 8:17

[In chapter 8, God is sharing with Ezekiel what the leaders of Israel are doing in the Lords Temple. The leaders of Israel are worshiping other gods beside God Himself. Therefore, this particular sin is called a detestable sin.]

“Have you seen this, son of man?” he asked. “Is it nothing to the people of Judah that they commit these detestable sins, leading the whole nation into violence, thumbing their noses at me, and provoking my anger?”

What really hit me about this specific verse is this key fragment

“…that they commit these detestable sins, leading the whole nation into violence…”

This specific verse really creates tension with faith.
Will God allow a whole nation be led into violence and destruction if the leaders, or even people, decide to commit “detestable sins?” What about the innocent? The ones who did not know what their leaders were doing in secret?

In this chapter, if you look up yourself, you will see that it describes the leaders of Israel meeting in secret, in the night, in “a room where they cannot be seen” to create such destruction on their nation.

What first popped into my mind when I read this verse was a family (who I will not mention their name) who is known nation wide as “Christians who hate homosexuals.” I was watching a tv interview with the wife of the family and the interviewer asked her “Do you think God really hates America because we allow homosexuality and war?” Her response “Yes, God will bring judgment on all of us for allowing such “detestable sins” to enter into our nation and lives.”

Does this verse support her opinion?
Yes…
Do I like how this verse supports her opinion?
No…
Why do I not want to support her?
….

What are detestable sins?
In Ezekiel it constantly talks about : serving other idols/gods (Chapter 8)
not caring about the poor and needy (16:49)
prostituting yourself to others (16:30-34)

Another verse to chew on :

Ezekiel 12:19

Tell the people, “This is what the Sovereign Lord says concerning those living in Israel and Jerusalem : They will eat their food with trembling and sip their water in despair, for their land will be stripped bare because of their violence.”

Wow, not only will detestable sins bring violence, but when we even create violence ourselves, the land will be stripped bare in despair and trembling.

One more verse…

Ezekiel 9:9-10

Then he said to me, “The sins of the people of Israel and Judah are very, very great. The entire land is full of murder, the city is filled with injustice. They are saying, “The Lord doesn’t see it! The Lord has abandoned the land!” So I will not spare them or have any pity on them. I will fully repay them for all they have done.”

2 actions : injustice & murder

I don’t need to say anymore than this. I hope you get the picture of what I’m trying to convey here.

If we allow these to happen even in our own city, what is there to come for us in the future? Is this really true, if we allow what these verses to talk about to happen in our lives, what will come of us?

Honestly, I do not know how to end this topic. But for me, this is something to chew on and think about. It helps me learn another side/view of God. Even though this breaks so many boxes in my head on “who God is” it really helps me to expand and see more of the bigger picture of how we truly have to live responsibly with our lives. I don’t want to be one of those Christians that goes on the street and yells “REPENT OR GO TO HELL!” I’m not trying to convict you in any way if you are reading this, it is just something that has caught my attention and I needed to blog to feel more “structured” in my head.

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I constantly run into intense, thought provoking and also faith bending verses like these. How we are never taught these subjects; but we are always taught “Jesus loves you.”

Thankfully, I am super happy that I am learning more than just God is love. It’s obvious that He is, but how is He love in these situations. And this tension really brings questions, mystery and somehow joy in my life. Not that I like seeing towns or people being utterly destroyed, but how God is so much bigger than we can think and it’ll take my whole life to even catch a glimpse of who He really is.

Ezekiel

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:33:00 -0500

I haven’t blogged in awhile, sorry for that.

The past few days or week I have been having ups and downs with my daily walk. Still trying to adjust to this extreme difference in environment. From being in a “Christian bubble” to now living in the “real world.” It is still difficult, but it’s about me living the way God wants me to, and not God living the way I want Him to. I transform to Him, He doesn’t transform to me. It’s such a profound concept and I think about it daily, but it’s so hard to live it sometimes; you transform to Him. What a sacrifice it truly is to live a life of sacrifice - to live a life of God!

Anyways, today as I was praying, I really felt like God asked me to re-read the book of Ezekiel. The past months I’ve drawn much inspiration from this man and his life and story. God truly tested, used and challenged Ezekiel to do radical things in this world and to many nations. He had to live a life full of sacrifice, even to the point of seeing his wife die in order to see Gods will be done over Jerusalem. Quite intense. Now, I feel like I need to read it again to dig deeper into the character of Ezekiel and see what God will reveal more.

Just an update on what my blogs will be about now, transitioning from Psalms/Proverbs to now Ezekiel.

My art show is this Friday, please be praying for everything to come together the way God needs it to be. For people to truly be challenged, touched and influenced not by me, but by the Light that is in me. It is a day before Halloween and guessing what other art shows will be themed, this will be a lot different and more unusual than the expected.

Love you all and will let you know what’s goin on soon in reading and in living.

http://www.erf.de/index.php?PHPSESSID=99be3tqmsnacopaa7jauj2k3s0&node=68&content_item=122#68/122

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:13:36 -0500

http://www.erf.de/index.php?PHPSESSID=99be3tqmsnacopaa7jauj2k3s0&node=68&content_item=122#68/122:

In the art team/ministry I’m a patr of - Pick A Pocket - A German tv station recorded us on what we do and who we are. Just wanted to post this, even though it’s all in German. If you watch you might get the theme, but not everything, unless you speak German! You’ll be able to see me and the team I’m on in the first 5 mins of the clip.

Grace & Beauty : Bethany Pool

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:17:02 -0500

Grace & Beauty : Bethany Pool

Matisyahu Live

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:22:59 -0500

Matisyahu Live:

This is an inspiration to me as an artist.

The Here and Now (Psalm 42)

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:17:00 -0500

As I woke this morning, I felt a bit out of place and distasteful. I kept hearing the word “complacency” in my head over and over. Took a shower, dressed up, and sat down, turned on worship music and began to unwind.

I just sat there, for a good 20 mins, saying nothing. Not desiring to pray, but to listen. To wait patiently for guidance, for a word, for something at least.

Then I looked up Psalm 42… and the word “complacency” made sense…

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As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?

My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you

I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.

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To me, I feel like the writer of this Psalm is talking about how “the good ol’ days” were so good. To be with his friends, other believers, worshiping, praising, dancing for and with God. All of a sudden, in his abandonment of his past, he realizes that he is discouraged, finds the desire to even draw nearer that he once was, his heart is BREAKING because of what his memories once were.

After reading this, I feel like that I fall back into complacency when I remember the days when I was in Herrnhut. It causes me to not want to do as much. To have hope that the day will come when I come back and everything will be better. But I want things to be amazing where I’m at; in the here and now.

I have written so many blogs about this topic; missing where I once was and the challenge of where I am now.

It’s quite the fight. It tears me down, but God always finds a way to build me up. As this author found comfort in the Lord during his discouraging time, as so I will find comfort in my “up and down days” in the Lord.

I have to hold on to what is true daily; The Lord WILL pour His unfailing love upon me daily, He is my LIVING water, He is the one who gives me life day to day.

With those truths, where should discouragement come in my life?

Jan 22 2009

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:17:31 -0500

I kept a journal for one year while I was traveling in Europe and Africa. Here is an entry from when I was in Ethiopia… I hope you find the significance in this entry.

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22.1.2009

I awoke this morning in a very sharp state and full of rest. Around 6am, God, You shook my bones to awake me to tell me you have visions and plans for me. As I sit in my bed, you pour into me directly what you want me to do in the future with the people I’m meeting here in Africa. I immediately answer your call and step outside to intercede on these plans and visions. I’ll do my best to be accurate in writing what you have told me this morning…

You want me to go back to Wichita to do a conference/art show about the awareness of extreme poverty and share the stories of who I’ve met here.

I saw a warehouse or a venue with lights shining down on the photos of the people in Africa. Aaron Lee Martin is playing Blessed Irony as the theme music for this event.

I ask why you want all of these things to happen and you respond back that you are wanting to set Wichita ablaze. With passion, with hope, with light, with change. You want to give people back their hope to really accomplish their dreams through this art show

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Since Jan 22 I have been praying for this art show to finally happen, and finally, it’s coming to life.

Just thought I’d share the significance of this story. :-)

Praise God!

My Theme : Psalm 37

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:40:17 -0500

As I’m still journaling my thoughts and notes when I read the Bible, I wanted to conclude what I felt was my “themed verse” for the time that I am in Wichita, KS.

I love how God always tend to set a theme He wants me to understand and live out in different seasons of my life.

When I was on outreach in Ethiopia and Kenya in Jan-Mar of this year, my themed verse was Isaiah 58 : 10-11.

It was phenomenal how true that verse was pertaining to the experiences I was living. I still hold on to that verse as I am planning for my art show at the end of this month, and doing missionary booths at churches and even personally to myself. When I look at my own photos, I think of what it says in Isaiah 58 : 10-11 and really encourage myself to keep living that out.

In this time at being in Wichita, My verse that tends to really strike my heart more than ever is Psalm 37 : 4-7

⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.

⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
⁶ He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.

There are 4 specific actions that stick out to me in these 4 verses.

David specifically writes : Take delight, Trust him, Commit everything, and Be still.

As I am in a completely different world from what I’m used to in the past year, these verses really hit home for me.

While I’m here, there are 4 specific actions that God truly wants me to take hold of and live it out in confidence.

Take delight in the Lord while I’m in Wichita. Enjoy my free time with friends and family that I wouldn’t get to do anywhere else. See movies, concerts, road trips, sleep overs, late night at cafe’s, have art shows, etc etc.

Trust Him for everything I need. Trusting Him for supplying my spiritual needs, emotional and physical in this time away from what I’m used to in Herrnhut. Trusting Him in my finances for the art show. Trusting that my friendships anywhere else in the world will not be effected in this time, but will grow in confidence. Trusting that everything that is supposed to happen here in Wichita WILL happen by His grace and mercy… and timing.

Commit everything to Him. My work, my friends, my art shows, my words, steps and actions - commit to Him. Do not do one thing apart from Him, but involve Him in what I do here. It’s a lifestyle.

Be still and wait for Him. Make sure to have a healthy balance while I’m at home. Of course, take delight in doing that things that you want to do, but in all of this, I need to have my “quiet time” daily with Him to reconnect with my Father intimately where I couldn’t anywhere else during that day. Wait for His words and whispers to reach my ears and do nothing for an hour or a few hours daily to just wait on Him.

Now, time to dig deeper into this “themed verse” and see what there is more to grab hold of.

Touched

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:29:31 -0500

Today I received an email from a friend of mine in YWAM in Herrnhut, Germany. If you don’t know, Herrnhut, Germany is the perfect place for me to live. It is honestly my dream town to reside in and live for my days. I feel more at home there than I do in Wichita honestly. It’s like a secret hide out, a cave for me to dwell and thrive in with life. I became alive spiritually in Herrnhut and that is why it is such a secret place for me.

As reading the email sent by my friend, he was talking about the current DTS that is running at this time. Sharing what the 1st speaker was talking about - injustice, fighting with the “poorest of the poor” in this world, etc. Reading what personal experience he went through, what the class was challenged by and just the description of the setting was what I am longing for so much in this time that I’m at home.

I began to cry as I was reading this email. Knowing that what I desire most is going on across the world. I was crying out of joy and out of simply missing those times. My heart is to see people succeed in their life dreams and goals that God has for them. I love walking alongside people and encouraging them, seeing them grow, experience life in dramatic ways, and watching them find their own vision that God has for them.

As I read this email, I was just reminded of what a crucial time DTS truly is, no matter what age you are, it is so dramatically challenging.

A few minutes after reading, I simply though - I am not in the wrong place at the wrong time. God sent me to Wichita in this time for a purpose. Not by accident. I have to stand in agreement with that. Not that I really have to, but I desire to. I desire to agree with God’s plans for my life and say “yes” to my father. Even though I desire to be in Herrnhut and be a part of the current DTS, I desire even more to follow God’s plans for my life and die a thousand deaths a day if that has to happen for me to live in His will.

It is so hard, but it is so well worth it.

I just wanted to write this to share what I am currently going through in this time at being in Wichita apart from Herrnhut.

Let us fall more in love with you.

The Karo Tribe - Ethiopia

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:28:44 -0500

The Karo Tribe - Ethiopia

Irony of Absence

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:42:18 -0500

In the irony of absence, is when I usually find God.

Today is one of those days where you question yourself
“Where the heck is God?”

Today is one of those days where you feel spiritually dead, but you keep pressing on, when in reality, you have no idea where your going, but you’re still going.

As I stood in prayer today, I honestly had no idea where to start, what to say, what to simply mutter. I began to start, and felt like this was going nowhere. What is the point? Why is this so confusing? Why is this so hard?

I simply sit back down, feeling defeated.
A few seconds pass, and I encourage myself and just say “No, this can’t be it, there has to be something, there has to be more.”

I pray what I feel needs to be prayed. Sit down, put on music, talk to friends on facebook, then it hits me.

What hits me? I really have no idea. It’s just “one of those feelings” that strikes your heart. You feel the words of a father saying “You did it kid.”

What did I do? Why are you so proud?

It’s the simplicity of trying.

Trying makes a difference.

Our effort is what counts, not our words.

I could have sat in my self pity and just said “Today sucks, I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to even do this today.” and gone about my business.

But as Paul writes in Ephesians - I press on towards the goal for the prize ahead.

I don’t care how I feel, I want to try to get something out of today through prayer! I want to hear Him, feel Him, see Him… simply do someting interactive with God! If I don’t get it, I’ll seek for it.

Simply listening to worship music and writing this blog, I begin to feel more what I just sowed in prayer come to my right now. Even if I felt like it was “nothing” that I sowed, I believe that I tried my best, and went along my day expecting God to understand. Is that ok to say that? I hope so…

I’ll just keep digging, and digging, and digging, and digging for the gold below the dirt until I find it. If I don’t find it for that day, I’ll go to sleep satisfied, knowing that it’s there, but expecting to find it soon, or even tomorrow.

"Mans highest pursuit is meaning and in the absence of meaning he numbs himself with pleasure."

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:26:59 -0500

“Mans highest pursuit is meaning and in the absence of meaning he numbs himself with pleasure.”

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 20:20:41 -0500

“The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?”

- Proverbs 20 : 24

Soothing to the Soul

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:13:01 -0500

I have been reading the book of Proverbs lately, and what I’m beginning to notice from chapter 10 to 18 is that Solomon writes so much about how we should use our words.

I counted about 20 verses total from 8 consecutive chapters in Proverbs where it talks about how we should use our words. What our words should contain and hold, what they can do to others and how careful we need to use them.

Do we really understand the power of our words?

Do we really understand how powerful they can be even if they’re jokes?

I believe we don’t at all.

If Solomon wrote 20 verses in 8 chapters about our words, why don’t we take a closer look to how we talk? I haven’t even finished the book of Proverbs, and I’m guarnateed that there will be even more. Not only in this book as well, but in many other old and new testament books.

Words bring life. Words bring death. With one word you can end a friendship, and with a few you can gain it back. With a few words you can curse yourself and with a few you can save your life.

If we can do that with words, curse our own life or save it, how can we not take hold that it is truly powerful to watch what we say to others.

As a Christian, it seems like we are watched more than others in this world. What we do, what we say, what we listen to or what we do in our free time. People want to truly see if we are a “christian.” If we really live to what we call ourselves. And it’s good for them too. It helps us take care of our own words and holds us to a level of standards.

With that, Solomon constantly writes how we should speak, what our words should sound like as a Christian. What effect they should have and how we should use them. Sometimes in the same verse, he also consults how words of the wicked should sound as well. What they conceal and contain. Showing us what not to say, not to do, what will destroy and cause violence with others.

Proverbs 10 :
+ The words of the godly are a life-giving fountain, the words of the wicked conceal violent intentions.
+ The words of the godly encourage many, but fools are destroyed by their lack of common sense.

Proverbs 12 :
+ The words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush, while the words of the godly save lives.
+ The godly give good advice to their friends, while the words of the wicked lead them astray.

Proverbs 13 :
+Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.

Proverbs 15 :
+ Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
+ The Lord detests evil plans, but he delights in pure words.
+ The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words.

Proverbs 16 :
+ Kind words are like honey - sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

Proverbs 18 :
+ Wise words are like deep waters; wisdom flows from the wise like a bubbling brook.
+ Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction.
+ The tongue can bring death of life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

What can you identify more with?

It is amazing to see what wise words can truly do to someone. How it is healthy for your physical body and soothing to your soul. It is always good to challenge myself on how I talk, what I say to myself while I’m alone, or even when I’m in a group. Even if no one hears you say certain words, it still has an effect on your life, on your spirit.

Now I can say that I have a new level of standards to live up to after reading these chapters in Proverbs. I hope you will want to be challeneged too.

Transformed Love

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 17:59:00 -0500

Today has been such a beautiful, glorious day.

This whole week I committed myself to spend one hour with the Lord daily. Evey day the “style” of this act changes. Today was the best for me to really feel alive, refreshed, and vibrant.

Last night I was digging through my old belongings and saw my drawing book I’ve had since middle school (early teens). I was looking through it, and remembered I used to be so passionate about drawing and sketching before I dived into photography.

I took out a ballpoint black pen, a photo of Abdala (a kid from Kenya), and started to try out my first art medium once again after a few years of laying it aside. After an hour, I drew back from the page, see what came out of this pen and time. Right there, I felt like I should start drawing again.

As I woke up this afternoon, I felt the sudden urge to do it again, and again, and again. Take out my photos I’ve taken in Ethiopia and Kenya and draw the people on page.

I have never felt this excited in doing art in a long time. I absolutely couldn’t wait to start drawing the eyes, wrinkles on the skin, the lips, the smallest details of the skin and light. It was like I was telling myself to “Hurry up!” so I could see the finally product. As I was doing this, I was asking God “Why am I so excited? What’s the point of doing this?” Slowly and surely, I felt the answer coming the more I kept drawing and focusing on the people in the photo.

As an artist, I want to feel so close to my art, to my subjects, as much as I can. These people in Ethiopia and Kenya are not just normal people to me, but they are cornerstones in my life. Without them, I wouldn’t have my dreams, my inspiration, hope and new vision of life. I look at the photos of the people in Ethiopia and Kenya daily, so I can have more of a heart, a longing and a passion to love them, to help them. I don’t want to forget who they are, nor forget what my responsibility is for them.

As I began to draw, the answer to my questions came.

I am drawing them, to simply see another side of beauty in them.

Photography can do so much, but it’s just one art form.
When you are talented in many art forms, you are able to express yourself so much more powerfully and intensely. Also, you are able to be so much more closer to your subject than if you only had one. With multiple art forms, you exercise more of your soul, heart and passion in that one subject.

I was finding so many details I had missed in photography when I was drawing. I was able to look deeper in the eyes of the person, more closely to their skin patterns, being able to see that person in the depth of their skin, in their soul.

I felt so much more passionate as I was seeing the person come to life on page.

This isn’t for anyone, but it’s for me. It’s for me to develop more of a Fathers heart for the people that I have chosen to give my life too. It’s such a beautiful thing to experience, and I’m so happy I was led this morning into doing that.

God can lead us into such a love that’ll transform our own hearts to loving others much more powerfully than we could ever expect. I want that more and more.

P.S. I am drawing so much inspiration from Matisyahu ever since I’ve been listening to him a few days ago. He’s a Jewish Reggae Rapper, and his lyrics are an inspiration to my photography - describing His glory in such a unique and original way. Check him out!